Many months have gone by since I last posted here, but I am inspired to write here once more.

Romans 5:20 says “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.” Sometimes I feel as if there is an endless ocean of tears uncried within me. I have kept busy all these years to avoid being drowned by the tsunami of grief and sorrow that is always just offshore. How did I become a workaholic? It took up enough time that I could escape the wave. Being busy, meeting friends, volunteering at our parish, reading endless books, watching TV, playing minesweeper or bejeweled for hours on end… all to keep running in front of the wave.

I’ve been stopping more lately. Many medical tests from the various specialists who monitor my chronic autoimmune conditions took place in January. Depending on the test and its prep, I found myself back in the trough of vulnerability and helplessness of my three major illnesses and hospitalizations over and over. Each time, I would be unable to stop the tidal wave and the tears would come. Copious tears. Buckets full!

My husband, God bless him, would remind me that God had told me in prophecy in 1976 (during our charismatic period) that He would catch every one of my tears and use them for healing. (Much the same thing happens with the Holy Spirit and the main character in the wonderful book, The Shack.) As I have grown in my faith these thirty-six years I have been Catholic, my understanding of the grace and gift God has given me has deepened.

Please understand that there are many times that I wish I did not have this gift and responsibility. My eyes hurt, I get headaches from my face being all scrunched up, and my nose gets sore from the Kleenex. Crying isn’t fun… When I am past feeling sorry for myself or wondering what specific incident in my life had caused me to feel sorrow, I remember that maybe it’s enough that I simply cry. Perhaps it helps and heals someone somewhere… probably someone in the Body of Christ connected to me through that infinite spiderweb of collateral damage caused by our sins.

I’m beginning to grasp the enormous damage sins do to us, as individuals, as community, and as a society. One of my pet peeves is abuse of any kind, but especially sexual abuse of anyone by anyone. The spiderweb of relationships of which I am a part has been impaired permanently and irreparably by incest, sexual abuse of toddlers, of pre-teens and teens, of full-grown women and men. There has been emotional abuse; neglect; mental illness; alcoholism; adultery; bullying; addictions–to gambling, to pornography, to drugs (prescription and street drugs). I look around some days at all the wounded people and my heart breaks. The news is full of stories about the collateral damage of sin.

It starts with lies. Like Fr. Ron Rolheiser said, “Lies warp the soul like a board in the rain.” Last week, it was a famous cyclist; last year, a famous golfer; today, a senator. The ramifications of their actions do not directly touch me, but they echo back from the woundedness of those I know and love. Some I know have healed, through their own spiritual and emotional work; some can never heal as the damage was too deep and it began too young.

The grief I feel for my own pain and for that of those I know and love can be  overwhelming. Words do not help nor capture the anguish, and there is no other thing to do but cry. To sit in the ashes of lost innocence and scarred souls, and to weep and wail and mourn. Perhaps my tears are enough.