My 80-year-old mother has been in the hospital for two months. She had surgery to save her life, various complications, and has now been in rehab mode for two weeks. There are six children in our family but only two who live close enough to help regularly. I am the eldest and my husband and I have been with Mom almost very day. My other sister visits a couple of times each week as she lives out of town. Another sister visits as many weekends as she can manage while living in another city. The other three came ‘home’ for the surgery weekend but have not been back since.

Now we must transition Mom into a new supportive living ‘suite.’ She is not going home to the home she has lived in for almost 50 years. She will go from the hospital to the new place, with my sister and I overseeing the movers and setting up the new place with familiar furniture and belongings.

What I find challenging (besides the sheer exhaustion of two months of visiting and caring for Mom in the hospital) is the engagement (or lack thereof) of three of my siblings. I do understand there is most of a country between Mom and one brother, but another is only a few hours drive away. He has not returned to visit Mom yet, though he says he will come this weekend. Another sister said she would come to visit in May but didn’t. Some keep in touch by phone with Mom, but she does notice who she can lean on and whom she cannot.

The irony is the jockeying for primacy from the away ones. Everyone wants to be the most important child! At the same time, the away ones have the excuse of being away to not worry about Mom as often, nor to have to deal with her fears and anxieties, her triumphs and progress, her weariness and her human frailties, and her simple gratitude for our faithfulness and constancy during this overwhelming experience of aging.

Although I am tired and overscheduled, I have the better part of journeying with my mother through her last years. I can see her gratitude and love every time I visit her… even if she’s asking me for another favour, task, or errand. She feels safe and loved enough to ask.

“Honour your father and your mother, so your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12