Yearn for whole-hearted acceptance

Posted on August 24, 2012 by gracepilgrimage

I am struggling with accepting others these days. Instead, I want to change them. I want to “edit” them until they fit my idea of who they should be, because their rough edges or irritating mannerisms and habits bother me. If only So-and-so wouldn’t do that… or would understand that what I want is… I do realize I am being completely selfish when I act like this, too, and I don’t like it but seem to be stuck in a rut.

I know real life is messy. People are messy, fallible, imperfect,and unpredictable. I certainly don’t like to do what others instruct! If it doesn’t suit me, or just to prove my independence, I usually want to do the opposite of what they say. What makes me think that any of the folks in my life would be any different?

One of Jesus’ traits that made him stand out from those around him was that he accepted people exactly the way they were. Jesus liked sinners (I am very glad about that!), and he got in trouble from the ‘authorities’ for eating and socializing with them. Now Jesus is the person after whom I’m supposed to model my life. So why is it so difficult to accept people the way they are — to just let them be their messy, unpredictable selves? Why do I find it so challenging?

Maybe it’s related to my propensity for ‘magic’ thinking. Magic thinking for me means imagining that a bowl of ice cream or bar of dark chocolate won’t show up on the scale eventually, especially since I seem to be allergic to exercise at the same time. I’m heavier than I want to be because I tend to ignore simple arithmatic about calories in and calories out. I want what I want, thanks — celery sticks don’t give me the same comfort as ice cream… I’m a smart girl. I know I have to burn more calories than I take in if I hope to fit back into size 14s sometime before Christmas. But I still yearn for that magic wand!

With my friends, colleagues, and family, I think I want that magic wand to do its work on them, too. Make this one less gloomy, that one less needy, him more realistic, her less self-centered, and me thinner. Funny that the word “disciple” comes from the same root as “discipline.” Discipline is an activity, exercise (!), or regimen that improves a skill. It’s hard to improve a skill without using it, so I guess I’d best unpack that load of gifts I received in Baptism and Confirmation and put them into use in a few more arenas of my life.

That’s our Christian mission: “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you.” (Matt 28: 19-20a)

Lord, please help me to remember that nothing will happen to me today that You and I together cannot handle. “And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matt 28: 20b)

Childhood saints and angels

Posted on August 13, 2012 by gracepilgrimage

An early saint in my life

Does it ever cross your mind how many saints and ‘angels’ God actually sent during your childhood? Looking back, He sent quite a few to me. Thank you, Lord God, for each one. You sent them when I needed them. I cannot thank You enough! My childhood would have been poorer without them.

One of the early ones was my Gram, my dad’s mom. She died on my ninth birthday and it was the first and only time I saw my dad cry. Gram loved me with a completely open-hearted love. I’ve never forgotten how she made me feel so loved, so special, so valued, and I know she’s been praying for all of us since she arrived in heaven.

Another was a woman named Aunt Molly, though she wasn’t related except in the heart. She was a teacher and she loved her vocation. Aunt Molly was never my teacher because I was in Grade Three when we moved in next door, but she did become my friend. Aunt Molly taught Grade One. She adopted the children (and parents) from next door as if she were our grandmother. In 1978, she and I went to Jasper together for the last long weekend before university began. Seventy-six-year-old Aunt Molly and twenty-three-year-old me had a terrific vacation together in the mountains and never ran out of things to say to each other.

Devout Anglican that she was, she did not mind at all when I confessed that I had left my Anglican roots to become a Roman Catholic the previous year. She told me that she was simply happy that I had a relationship with Jesus Christ… it did not matter to her where I had found it. She prayed for me daily. She was my husband’s main support while I spent two months in the hospital with acute pancreatitis in 1995. She often said that she wondered why God was keeping her alive… I know it was to help my husband during my illness. No one else seemed to know that he needed support except Aunt Molly. God bless you for that and everything else, Aunt Molly… I still miss you. From that day in 1978 when she said yes to the trip to Jasper until she died in 1996, Aunt Molly was one of my closest friends. Here was the another woman God had sent into my life to accept me exactly as I was!

My Grade Five teacher, Mrs. G., was another of God’s messengers in my life. She walked with me and encouraged me one day at recess, listening to my heartaches, and reassuring me that I would be okay. Mrs. G.’s husband worked with my dad, yet she really cared about me anyway. I was having a hard time in that school — being accelerated a grade at the same time I was the ‘new kid’ was hard, plus I got my first pair of (ugly) glasses. Brainy, new to the school, and glasses — the perfect recipe for being different–the kiss of death in a school. Plus being the eldest of now six kids at home, I felt I was valued only for the help I could give my mom. I later learned that this was also the time my dad started to suffer from bipolar depression… but all I knew then was my parents had little time for me.

Thank you, dear Lord, for recognizing my struggles. I’m spending a lifetime trying to sort them out and understand them, to forgive those who have hurt me (often without knowing it), and to love better those saints and ‘angels’ who accompany me now. With your grace, I can do it more like you would! Please bless all those who have walked on this journey with me…

Everyday miracles and ordinary holiness

Posted on August 12, 2012 by gracepilgrimage

My life story — my pilgrimage of grace here on earth — is still unfolding. I am a Catholic woman who loves the Lord, my husband, my faith, my family and friends, and my life. I have been struggling with my weight since quitting smoking in 1980, and I have experienced three major illnesses since 1995 (acute pancreatitis, double pneumonia, and breast cancer).

As a convert to the Catholic faith, I have been hungry to learn more about it. I have read much, attended workshops and courses, and participated in Sunday Mass faithfully for 36 years. Heartache, suffering, mistakes, and failures have been my teachers alongside joy and friendship, laughter and love.

I am closer to holiness now than ever, but I still have “miles to go before I sleep.” I see miracles in each day and abundant grace surrounding each of us. If only more people could see what I see, they might find what they long for: happiness and peace.

I hope that my struggles and insights might light the way for another person on a similar path. Deo gratias!